They Gave Me This Gun...


By: Michael Turner

"Sure the job has it’s downfalls.

I’m overworked and underpaid. I barely make rent every month and my diet consists of whatever is affordable. Every time I look at the school loans I still owe it feels like I’m drowning. It’s like I’m being waterboarded by debt. Is that a thing?

That’s a good metaphor... I might teach the kids that in English class. Eh, maybe too dark.

And the kids, you wanna talk about being pushed to the edge on a daily basis. They are so cruel these days. Just mean. To me, to each other. They don’t listen, they are always on their phones. They talk over me. They talk through me. They talk around me. I feel helpless. 

I sacrificed most of my adult life just to have the opportunity to help them and they don’t even want it. I paid for nearly everything in that damn classroom to make it nice for them and they treat it like trash. 

Every single day is a new challenge. 

Thank god for lunch time because by noon I feel like I could just snap. They call me the tea kettle in the teachers’ lounge. They laugh but I know they feel the same way, I just wear it on my sleeve more. 

No raise on the horizon, I can’t defer on my loans anymore, and if I have to discipline Billy one more time I’m going to lose it. He doesn’t listen. 

Some people have life to escape work but all I do is go home to my studio and grade papers that I’m weeks behind on getting back. 

You ever feel like there is a huge weight just sitting on your chest? Just the pressures of it all, just lying there, immovable... or no, you know what it feels like? Like my head is in that contraption getting cranked like in that movie Casino... right before his eyeball pops out. Some days I just feel like all the pressure will catch up to me and I’ll just snap.

But, hey, they gave me this gun. So that’s pretty cool. Yeah, it’s a glock or something... they said they’ll get around to training us on it later this semester when they find the time and money in the budget"


Michael Turner has been doing comedy in Phoenix since 2012. He is a co-producer on two of Phoenix's most popular shows appropriately named Literally The Worst Show Ever and This Week Sucks, Tonight! He is a regular at Tempe Improv and Stand Up Live in Phoenix.

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